The other day as I was walking back from class (our class to be specific) I passed a girl who was dressed to the nines, so to speak. She was wearing black hose, high heeled shoes, mid-length black skirt, a red and black blouse, a pearl necklace, and her makeup and hair complimented her outfit. As we were coming to pass, I took the initiative to compliment her on her appearance, I said, "you look really nice," and she replied with a smile and a thank you.
Immediately, (and I'm serious when I say immediately) I questioned what I had just done. I had complimented her on the way she was dressed, the way she appeared, and I couldn't help but make think about everything we have talked about in class to date... the male gaze, how men act and women appear, etc etc... I felt at fault. I realized that I had just perpetuated the very definition of woman that has been defined by men, by our patriarchical society... or had I? Is a compliment a reinforcement of the male gaze? Is it a perpetuating act of female subjugation, or is it simply an act of being polite?
I have to admit, I was a little troubled by this thought, but the more I thought about it, I remembered another important detail we have been discussing in class- the ability to choose. We have the power to decide which characteristics of femininity and also masculinity we want to value, and so I decided that my compliment wasn't a reinforcement of female subjugation, at least not to me... but what about the woman that I had complimented? How did she receive the compliment I had given her? Would she internalize it? Would she take my compliment and equate it to what it means to be an attractive woman?
The fact is, I don't know how she felt about my compliment, I can only imagine that it made her feel good about herself, because I mean seriously, who doesn't love a compliment?? I don't know if my simple one liner will lead her to conclude that being an attractive woman requires make up and high heels. I do know that she too has the ability to choose which characteristics she will value and which ones she will do with out. I also now know that my compliments have a greater power than I had ever realized.
This is a very thought-provoking post, one that is making me question the underlying (and unconcious) purpose of compliments as well. I agree that telling a woman she looks nice when she obviously took a significant amount of time on her appearance is a reinforcement of the male gaze. I also understand and agree in part with your later observation that we all have the ability to choose which characteristics of femininity and masculinity we want to value. However, I still see this as relating back to reinforcement of the male gaze. True, your compliment to the woman undoubtedly made her feel good, but I have to question, on an unconcious level, WHO was she dressing up for? I believe that whether she consciously intended to or not, she was embodying the ideal of what a woman should look like according to the male gaze. Additionally, I believe that she was (again, consciously or not) dressing to impress or catch the eye of men more so than women.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I think that your complement did reinforce the male gaze for this young woman. I think that most women when they receive compliments internalize them and use these complements as a sort of base knowledge of what it means to be attractive (aka- feminine). If a girl is wearing patterned tights and she receives a lot of complements on them, then I feel that she will be inclined to wear them more often. Maybe she does not consciously realize why she wants to wear them more often--other than the simple fact that she gets compliments on them--but subconsciously she realizes that people have responded well to her feminine outfit/type of dress. She has been praised for wearing something that is the definition of "woman" (tights, a skirt, a dress, etc), and this praise has made her feel good about herself. So, yes, I do believe that our compliments are a reinforcement of the male gaze, and that we do internalize them and use them to determine how we will dress in the future.
ReplyDeleteSo, my question then is... Should we give compliments? I think maybe, it comes down to our level of awareness... why are we complimenting the person? What do our compliments imply? Do we only compliment certain things because we ourselves have been conditioned to recognize certain things, outfits, appearances, etc as being "nice" "pretty" "attractive"? What do you all think? Compliments, yay or nay??
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. This is definitely a tough call. When you think of it in this way -as a reinforcement of the male gaze- a compliment is like a high five for making the right move. This "base of knowledge" someone previously commented about is like an equation that we have to put the right variables together to get the right results (this skirt with those legs equals getting that guy in the club). I think I'm going to have to say nay -i think our sincerity in compliments has been diluted or completely cut out by our socialization and the male gaze.
ReplyDeleteThis post does bring a lot of questions to mind. I agree with Laura, it's a very tough call. Compliments are something that everyone gives and have given their whole lives, and until this class, I have never really thought about it and the underlying meaning of them. I've just always given them or if I receive them, say thanks and move on. Since this class, I've noticed when I get a compliment, I do think about it now and wonder if I don't look that great every other day I'm not dressed up really nicely. Compliments are something to make people feel good about themselves but with the true underlying meaning of them, I am going to have to agree with Laura and say nay to compliments.
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